Making an Effective Apology (Greater Good in Action)

10 minutes to read about how to make an effective apology. The amount of time the apology takes depends on the nature of the offense and the reparations you plan to make.

How to Do It

When you realize you have harmed someone and you decide that you want to apologize, follow these steps:

  1. Acknowledge the offense. Acknowledging the offense is an essential element of a good apology, but many apologies don’t do this adequately. Apologies are most likely to be well-received if you show that you recognize who was responsible, who was harmed, and the nature of the offense. For example, saying “I made a mistake” is more effective than saying “Mistakes were made,” which fails to allocate responsibility. Similarly, acknowledging that harm occurred is better than making vague statements that minimize the legitimacy of the offended person’s grievances (e.g., “I’m sorry you feel hurt”) or fail to acknowledge the specific offense (e.g., “I’m sorry for whatever I said yesterday” rather than “I’m sorry for making that insensitive joke”). https://goldentram242suitesandhostel.com/
  2. Provide an explanation. In some cases, it’s helpful to explain an offense, especially to convey that it was not intentional and that it will not happen again. But explanations that are long-winded, sound like excuses, or blame the victim (e.g., “You were really getting on my nerves”) tend to be counterproductive. It’s better to say, “There’s no excuse for my behavior” than to offer a shallow defense.
  3. Express remorse. When you hurt someone, it’s natural to feel shame, humiliation, or remorse. Expressing these feelings communicates that you recognize and regret the suffering you caused. Be careful of phrases like “That was uncharacteristic of me,” which might convey that you aren’t taking full ownership for what happened. Instead, acknowledge your disappointment in yourself and your commitment to improve.
  4. Make amends. A good apology should include efforts to repair the damage done. Reparation for tangible offenses such as loss of property might involve compensation or replacement, whereas reparation for less tangible offenses such as a violation of trust might involve taking steps to improve your behavior, such as attending marriage counseling. When considering how to best make amends, be sure to ask the offended person what would mean the most to them, rather than simply doing something to relieve your own feelings of guilt. Self-punishment, for example, might alleviate guilt without actually benefitting the victim.

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